Posted in Mommyhood

The Perks of Being Mom… besides the whole kid thing.

Last Updated on August 2, 2020 by World's Okayest Mom

Being a mother is the most rewarding job. When your child smiles at you or gives you a huge bear hug, you remember why you clean up puke and brush gum out of hair and repeat yourself a million times and hurt your feet by stepping on Legos.

Sure.

That’s true. Of course it is.

But now that I’m really into mommyhood — I mean, My Girl’s almost nine, I’m into this thing deep. Goodbye, honeymoon period — I’m starting to see more benefits than the obvious:

Who wouldn’t say this girl with her smile is the reason for motherhood? But I’m also in it for the fringe benefits.

1. I don’t get carded anymore

Let’s be real. It’s a bitch to get my ID out of my wallet.

Yes, it’s a compliment, but it’s a hassle.

I’m in the in-between age where I don’t look like I’m over 40 (right?! right?!) but I definitely don’t look like I’m 21 anymore. So, I like to think that when a bartender opts to not card me, it’s because he’s thinking: “You still look young enough to card, but we both know you’re a mom (bartender knows this because I’m doing the bad mom/survival mom thing and drinking at dinner with My Girl there), so I’m doing you a favor by not making you dig through your purse full of fruit snacks, random crayons, loose business cards and quarters for the gumball machine.”

I appreciate that favor. And Mr. Bartender, you are dead on about the hot mess that is my purse. Gone is the cute, non-mom clutch purse for night club hopping. (Ha! I never went club hopping!) Moms carry the Mary Poppins carpet bag. It’s heavy, but I’m building muscles and I always win that baby/bridal shower game where you have to find the crap in your purse. I’m embracing the Mom Purse. (Another surprise perk to motherhood!)

2. By adding the word “Mom” to things, they automatically seem mature and responsible

For example: Girls Night Out. Sounds like it’s could mean a potentially viral and embarrassing YouTube video and the loss of substantial amounts of clothing and dignity.

But… Moms Night Out. Sounds like a bunch of well-deserving mothers enjoying a fancy cocktail together to trade organic cleaning tips and discipline methods that include neither spanking, yelling or time outs (Side note – if you have any of those discipline technique, please email me. Pronto. Seriously. Like right now: themomfail@gmail.com)

Let’s be honest, we do the same thing whether its girls night or moms night. But Moms Night Out sounds so much better.

By the way, neither for me involves the loss of clothes or the discussion of organic cleaning products. It usually involves Simon Cowell-ing the teenie boppers and their short shorts with B. Swift or eating until my pants don’t fit while telling embarrassing stories about our kiddos with Leslie Ann or binge watching and splitting a bottle of Round Barn Weekend Red with Monica.

This is Moms’ Night Out. Don’t we look responsible?

3. Naps!

I vaguely remember the prime napping age. When you’re a teenager or even in college, you get the stink eye from the olders about napping on a regular basis. You’re in the prime of your life! You supposed to have more energy than a toddler! Get off your ass and get a job! Ok, maybe I’m combining a couple different complaints from the older generation, but the sentiment remains.

In your teens and 20s, you’re expected to have the energy to stay awake during an 18-hour day. The reasons preventing this awakedness are inexcusable: late night partying (shame on you), late night studying (yeah, right), early morning classes (try getting a job).

But as a mom, naps are the reward for activities of daily living. New mothers are always given the advice: Nap when the baby does. I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Take for example, this was a normal day when My Girl was about age four: I went grocery shopping with My Girl, which included jumping over the cracks/lines in the floor the whole way; took her to the library, where we chased down the chinchilla rolling around the kids section in a hamster ball; followed her on foot around the neighborhood as she rode her bike with training wheels and rang her bell every time she needed “help”; made lunch for the family; then, tried putting her down for a nap, but only after reading three books, assisting with potty time and convincing her Mrs. Potato Head isn’t laughing at her whenever she closes her eyes to sleep.

I definitely deserve a nap!

Life with an 8YO My Girl isn’t much different, except she “helps” me make lunch (see how “helpful” she really is here) and there’s no hope for a nap time. Though she is good for about 30 minutes of quiet reading time.

Unfortunately, the downside of being mom, even though it’s socially acceptable to take naps, there’s no time for it. Literally no time for it. I’d be happy to get just a normal eight hours at night!

4. Punctuality has gone out the window

Punctuality and a clean house. The more kids you have, the more you’re allowed to be late. Especially when you have a baby.

Oh the perks of having a napping and/or feeding newborn!

We could show up to a family event two hours late, wave the sweet, sleeping baby in front of a grumpy grandparent’s face, and Voila! Off the hook.

Even if it wasn’t My Girl’s fault, I’d just give the tired mom shrug and say: “I just couldn’t stand to wake her from her nap. She looked so peaceful.”

In truth, she was sleeping peacefully, but could have gotten up whenever I needed. I was just glued to the couch watching YouTube clips of Jimmy Kimmel’s late night show. Jimmy and Matt Damon, those two…

As for a clean house. Ha! As My Girl gets older, it’s easier and easier to explain a trashed floor. Dirt, crumbs, fake My Little Pony hair. All can cover the floor and no one dares utter a word. Again, wave the cute girl with a handful of Cheetos and there’s no question what I’m up against.

5. We finally has the good snacks

Before My Girl, we had the basic, limited snack selection. But now that I’m a mom, our snack selection rocks!

Prepackaged breadsticks with the 100 percent processed cheese, fruit snacks of all varieties, including fruit rollups and Gushers, pudding cups, individually wrapped cookies and Oreos, every kind of ice cream and popsicle you can think of, the flavor-blast Goldfish crackers, the list goes on and on.

It’s unhealthy, unorganic and absolutely fantastic! Only downside: My Girl doesn’t share. If I want one of her snacks, she usually gives me the puppy dog face. Then she reminds me of the snacks I bought for myself: unsalted almonds, unbuttered popcorn, dehydrated fruit.

“It’s healthy for you, Mommy,” she adds.

Damn. I hate it when she’s right.

So I have to sneak her snacks at night. But she has her ears trained for the crinkle of the snack paper. She can’t hear me tell her to put her shoes away when I’m standing over her in the garage, but she will wake out of a dead sleep if I touch her Oreos.

So in my most desperate moments, I try to squeeze into our pantry or (no judging) eat in the bathroom. Most of the time, I go without. Oh, another mommy perk… Weight loss!

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